Ever have one of those days... ... where life just corners you in the hallway, knocks your books out of your hands, steals your lunch money, shoves you in a locker, snaps your ass with a wet towel in gym class, writes your number on the bathroom wall, follows you home, busts your mailbox, kicks your dog, shaves your cat, shoots your parents with a crossbow, fucks your sister, exhumes and anally rapes your grandmother, puts a bag over your head, sticks you in a trunk, puts out lit cigarettes in your pubic hair, then leaves you naked on the side of the interstate covered in spermicide and hot dog relish?

Me neither... but Tuesday came damn fucking close.  ¶ 12:15 AM 0 Comments Links to this post  

  Overheard ...at an adjoining table at the Huntington Street Cafe Saturday night:

Woman A: "My car is so totally full of pie right now."
Woman B: "You mean... literally?"

"No, silly, my *wink* CAR is full of *airquotes* PIE right now *nudge*."
"Ooooooohhhhh..."  ¶ 10:02 AM 2 Comments Links to this post  

  "Intelligent" Design (mad props to Leth for the link)

South Carolina Governor chimes in on Intelligent Design

"I think that it's just ... that there are real chinks in the armor of evolution being the only way we came about," (South Carolina Gov. Mark) Sanford said.

Intelligent design posits life on earth is too complex to be explained by evolutionary theory alone.

"The idea of there being a, you know, a little mud hole and two mosquitoes get together and the next thing you know you have a human being is completely at odds with, you know, one of the laws of thermodynamics."

Sorry, Governor, thermodynamics may explain why your dick feels warmer in an intern's mouth than it does hanging out of your pants at a schoolboard meeting, but it can't explain life on earth.

Even without bringing science into the discussion, I think the Bible itself does a pretty good job of refuting Intellignet Design. I'd just read the passage about "man being made in God's own image," then point to the governor. Case dismissed.  ¶ 4:41 PM 0 Comments Links to this post  

  Joke Bomb My post last night reminded me of another of the more rewarding parts of being a parent - fucking with young, impressonable minds.

Anyone who has spoken to me for longer than 30 seconds knows that I love to drop little humorous asides into everyday conversation - in a way I'm sort of a retarded homeless man's Dennis Miller. I can't just turn off that part of me when I'm talking to my kids. So from time to time, I'll be standing over my two daughters making a Dad Speech, and something I'll say will meet their blank, uncomprehending faces, ricochet off their foreheads, and finally land at the feet of my laugh-stifling, eye-rolling wife.

For example... a couple of weeks ago the two girls were sharing a bath, shouting and splashing and making a generally soggy mess of the bathroom. Hearing the commotion building from the kitchen, I called out to them gruffly, "Girls, what is the first ruleof bath time?" They replied almost in unison, "No splashing, Daddy." At which point I found myself shouting back to them, "No, the first rule of bath time is you don't talk about bath time. The second rule of bath time is no splashing." That one they met with the grade school equivalent of stunned silence, while I, having thoroughly amused myself, smugly went back to the dishes.

I hope that one night twenty years from now Iget a phone call, and it's one of my kids saying, "Hey Pop. We just watched this movie called 'Fight Club'... is that where you got that shit about the rules of bathtime?" My fear is that karma exists, and the first time I learn they got the joke is when one of them scolds me with "Dad, you know the first rule of adult diapers..."  ¶ 11:33 PM 0 Comments Links to this post  

  G4m3 0n As much as I hang out in several places on the Internet, I never really bought into some of the gamer / 1337 sp33k slang that permeates the web. Under normal circumstances the only time you'll find me using that jargon is when I'm making either a joke or a point. But tonight I finally found an occasion to let one slip, without any hint of irony.

My wife and I were trying to talk to my six year old daughter, with little success (by the way, what is it with kids tuning out their parents? This is a phase they outgrow in their early teens, right?). In frustration I finally proclaimed that I was wasting my time even trying to communicate, and that from now on I should just come home and just sit on the couch like a lump. My six year old, bless her little heart, finally responded wth the following question:

"You mean like Mommy?"

PWN3D.  ¶ 1:25 AM 0 Comments Links to this post